Because it made me feel something extra.

And it made me stop and think. A perfect photo doesn’t challenge a viewer. It doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable. It doesn’t make you wonder why that guy is looking out the window. It doesn’t have an annoyingly distracting line intersecting with his head.  A perfect photo would simply focus on the couple kissing, and after a 1 second glance, that’s the sum total of what you would take away from it.

In a world of perfect digital images, it’s almost a treat to look at something flawed, awkward, askew. That’s why I treasure the gift of imperfection, and that’s why I often carefully include it in my edits that I give to clients. If it makes me feel something, I take the chance that they will too.

I’ve been down for a few days with an intense sore-throat virus complete with body-wracking aches. The doc asked me what was going on that would make me get so run down that I’d get sick. And then I realized that I am completely blowing it lately. Something had to give, and it was me. Changes need to be made. Starting with eating better food (again).

A big part of this epiphany about eating better came from reading the about me page of Angel Quintana, a holistic lifestyle mentor at the House of Vitalia this morning. She is the amazingly beautiful bride featured in Noa of Feather Love Photography‘s recent wedding on Green Wedding Shoes today. Check it out if you have a chance.

I used to eat good food, I used to have a quiet and simple life. I don’t want to be the mom that is too busy, too stressed all the time. I don’t want to be the lady that is stressed out by every bleat coming from the not-getting-enough-attention goats. I love my goats, but I’ve come to the conclusion that parting ways is the best path for both of us. This is not the summer for hiking in the high country with them.

This is the summer where I take Sadie to swim lessons, I go out of town on the weekends to shoot weddings, and I work on the new house in the middle of the week. I want to find joy in these projects, because they are important and they inspire me. Now and then I will manage to blog, and every day I will eat good food. Time to refocus again. All while giving myself a big hug and a break for blowing it, because that’s just part of being human. Let’s all give ourselves a break if we need one, let go, and refocus.

Photo by Allison Fairfield http://www.alliefairfieldphotographs.com/

She talked with the owner of the Dana Powers House who agreed to let us set some furniture out on the lawn the night before. We looked around the wedding grounds at the same time of day that the photos were going to be taken and found an area in open shade with a nice background. This is very important because the worst thing you can do is have half the group in sun/half in shade, even all sun is better than a mix. After arranging the furniture into a pattern that we found pleasing, we took a few moments to think  about the different combinations she was going to want. She knew that she didn’t want to spend a lot of time on formals (quality over quantity!) and was able to minimize her combinations to 5 important photos: both bride & groom’s families, just bride’s family, just groom’s family, siblings only, and entire bridal party. We did a run through of the 5 portraits, taking a few moments to get everyone into places that looked visually interesting, then, and this is probably the most important part, we asked everyone to remember their places! The whole process probably took 30 minutes on rehearsal day and on the wedding day it was 10 minutes for all 5 shots.

If you’re feeling inspired & would like help making beautiful heirloom photos at your wedding, please feel free to contact me for more details. Luckily my sister was able to utilize my experience as wedding photographer when considering how large a space we could occupy, where to place the furniture in relation to the sun, and which part of the yard to choose for a backdrop. During the process we were in contact with her photographer, Kristen, and sent her an iphone photo the night before so she’d know what to expect.

Here are our final results beautifully photographed on film by Kristen Ellis of Beaux Arts Photographie:

Photo by Kirsten Ellis, www.beauxartsphotograhie.com

Photo by Kirsten Ellis, www.beauxartsphotograhie.com

Photo by Kirsten Ellis, www.beauxartsphotograhie.com

Photo by Kirsten Ellis, www.beauxartsphotograhie.com

Photo by Kirsten Ellis, www.beauxartsphotograhie.com

Last night in a dream, I climbed up on a trash can in a train station and yelled, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!” Then some guys in white suits came in and threw buckets of bleach water across the floor.

What did it mean? What was I so mad at? After half a day of thinking about it, I realized: I was yelling at myself.

All of a sudden I knew what I needed to do. I was telling myself to let go of all the work I was [still] doing for everyone else [so they'll like me and hire me.] Make a choice. Become visible. This is it. Back to square one, bleached, blank slate.

After I was escorted out of the train station in my dream, I ran into my friend Lori from Acid King and asked if I could take a couple photos of her with her Truimph. I blame this part of the dream to the lingering idea flitting around in my head that I would like to photograph some motorcycles and their people again. My high school boyfriend passed away last month and has been on my mind a lot.  On his photo board at the funeral was an 11×14 handprinted photo of his Triumph chopper that I took in B&W infared. Actually, there were a lot of photos that I took. He is gone but the photos are not. I haven’t wrapped my head or heart around it yet. What I have grasped is that it’s part of who I am. Still.

So why is there a heart by my name? Because I love people? Because I love myself? I’m not cute. I’m not girly. I like beards and boots and choppers and heavy music and psychedelic colors. Because, …why not?

The first thing I am going to do is update my “about me” page. The next thing I’m going to do is get started making the work I want to see. Again. Twenty years later. And then maybe after that I’ll think more about why there is a heart by my name and whether it should stay there.

ps. This dream-inspiration-harvesting can be directly attributed to the real work I started after attending Noa Azoulay-Sclater’s Feather Love Artist Workshop (which should also be called the “Who-the-hell-am-I?” Artist Workshop.) It has not left me off the hook. I have been churning since I got back home. More than a week of solid chaos.  Real work.

Triumph Chopper, April 1993. Found the neg! ...very low res scan.

A couple years ago, I stopped working for someone else’s photography business and started working for myself. I searched around on the internet, just searching to open up my mind outside the realm of how I had been expected to shoot. I needed to loosen up my new habits and start moving back to where I’d come from creatively as a photographer before I went professional. Somehow I stumbled onto Noa’s Feather Love Photography website. I sat in awe watching the slideshow and thought, “Wow, this is what it looks like when someone makes a portfolio out of their favorite work!” Then I thought about what I would put in my portfolio if I were to do the same. The thought was terrifying, but so exciting, and here was Noa, being courageous for the rest of us and succeeding bigtime.  Over the next year and a half I continued to move in the direction of making a portfolio that was “all me”, but ultimately I knew I was probably going to have to get to one of Noa’s workshops before I could take it as far as it needed to go. Besides, I just had to meet this force of nature and kindred spirit in person!

Along the way, my sister, Whitney, owner of Rosie Calligraphie and sometimes photographer, became a Noa fan as well. She decided to come to the workshop too. I also met Kate Skogen of JetKat Photo, another workshop attendee, beforehand, and we all rode up together. I think we were all crazy excited on the hour ride up to Pacifica, not being able to guess what was going to happen over the next 2 days.

On day one we gathered around Noa in the living room of our beautiful home overlooking the Pacific Ocean. It was an intimate arrangement of couches and chairs. We went through our goody bags, earth-friendly fabric handled sacks, custom printed by FBS Print  filled with goodness: Cookies from Gjelina’s in Venice (probably my favorite place to eat ever), a Sioux Magazine (filled with rad art, Noa’s work will be in the next issue), a coupon for free prints at George’s Camera, one also for discounted handmade soap (yay, my favorite) from Cheshire Fields, a Tim & Nicki Bluhm Duets cd (are you kiddin me!?), and last but not least, a sturdy and sweet custom-printed notebook  by Paper Coterie. At least one of the other girls was smart enough to photograph these gems right away (as in: before eating the cookies.) I was not.

Back to Day 1: We gathered around Noa and got to work right away. It was evident immediately that she had been working hard to gather the best and most crucial information we would need to realize the true artists inside ourselves.  I went back and forth between scrawling down gems of knowledge and listening in stillness with my whole heart. One of my favorite quotes from the day was, “We have a terror of being seen by making choices.” This is actually a quote by Larry Moss that Noa picked up at her recent actor’s workshop in L.A. With every word, Noa was forcing us to confront our fears and hold ourselves accountable for our choices. It was clear that excuses would never fly here. She encouraged us to shut off the outside world and filter purely through our artist selves. We need to write goals she said. We need to work hard, show up.  Do the work. Make what we want to look at. Stop looking at other photographer’s work in your genre. Be inspired by everything. Stop making choices based on fear. Learn to say NO. Turn our detriments into our strengths. Discover our intentions. Follow through. And yes, work harder.

Who better to be telling us to work harder? Noa’s inner work is inspiring. The sincerity in her images shines through because she has worked so hard on herself. She discovered a way to let the magic happen, to let the scene and the subjects speak freely and clearly.  So when she told us her secrets, her trials, and how she got where she is, we listened.  Some of us even broke down, broke open. Yes, it’s that strong.  As I witnessed the effect she had on me and the others, I realized a truth: Noa is a catalyst. And most of us were going to be changed forever by the experience.

Because Noa is also a sweetheart, she arranged for some awesome entertainment. After the heavy, intense workshopping for the day, we needed it! Nicki and Tim Bluhm showed up for dinner and set up casually in the living room for a few duets. I felt privileged to hang out with this adorable couple and hear their beautiful voices intermingle in such a relaxed and intimate setting. There were lots of photos taken, ending with Tim taking photos of Noa and Nicki hugging on the couch (which was really funny and entertaining to me.)

Also because Noa is a gracious host who knows how to take care of her workshop attendees, we had amazing food prepared by Square Meals (out of San Francisco) that appeared almost magically throughout the day while we worked. It was stealthily laid out by Noa’s workshop assistant, Stacy with perfect timing.  How did I get this far into the story without mentioning Stacy? Stacy is amazing and dedicated; she is the exact person I would want by my side, anticipating my every need, if I were going to plan a two-day workshop for months. I also can’t fail to mention that Stacy is incredibly beautiful. She looks like a painting at every moment and has the sweetest personality you could imagine. She also writes a blog called Hello Cupcake, and will be interviewing Jonathon Adler in NYC today!

We spent the end of day one, drinking wine and chatting. There were a lot of cool people there (of course), and I think we all enjoyed getting to know each other. Later, my sister and I took a quick trip down to the beach. I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to see and feel the waves at night and snap a few shots. When we returned, there was a little confusion and a lot of excitement going on about a naked neighbor walking around in front of the window. It turns out that there are a lot of parties thrown at the house, and he’s not fond of crowds or anyone talking on the balcony at all.  For some reason he thinks the best way to handle it is to strip down naked, stand in front of his window, and call the cops.  So yes, a cop came and Noa had to answer the door and give her name and agree to be quiet but not without retorting that she wanted to file a pervert report on the man showing his penis to her guests. Brilliant! Later and quieter, I found Noa out back with a gathering of workshoppers at her feet listening to crazy tales of her fascinating adventures as a teenager. I had to listen too. Eventually, everyone found their own niches to sleep in (Stacy had rented sleeping mats for the “glampers”, thank you!) and we settled down for the night.

Day Two: Somehow, with around twenty people staying at the house and only two bathrooms, we all managed to get ready somewhat on time. (I attribute this to how cool we all are.) When I went up to the living room/kitchen, the house was a bustle of activity. People were already arriving to set up for the Rue shoot with furniture and detail items. Stacy (again!) had a feast perfectly laid out for our breakfast, provided by Batter Bakery (also out of San Francisco.) The pastries and granola were amazing! Shortly after, the radiant Anne Sage, of The City Sage blog arrived, had breakfast with us, and then pulled up a chair to give us some invaluable information on the business of social media.  She went over her blogging journey, starting the publication, Rue Magazine, how she uses Twitter to make connections, and how to collaborate with others: “It’s all about relationships.”  Did I mention her jeans? Yes, we all wanted her jeans. And to look that good in them too!

After Anne went to work on the Rue shoot, Chloe Aftel, the polaroid artist, arrived with a big case of polaroid cameras and film, and her two wonderful dogs. (They got tired of being without her and later joined us upstairs during our hands-on polaroid shoot, fun!) Chloe is one of the best no-nonsense teachers I’ve ever met. She knows her stuff and knows how to teach it. Good thing, because polaroid can get confusing. She passed around the cameras and made sure we knew how to operate them, and then we paired up in groups and went outside to photograph each other. The energy was crazy as we ran around the house making polaroids and whisking them into dark boxes to develop. Afterwards all the polaroids were laid out on the steps, and when she turned them over one by one it was better than Christmas morning. I am a true convert now. In a world of the perfect digital image, polaroid’s unpredictability is crazy exciting.  Here’s Chloe’s advice, “Blow a pack and take copious notes on the back.” She buys her cameras and film over at the Impossible Project.

We regrouped after the polaroid bonanza and moved out back to watch Noa in action for the Rue shoot. She started by photographing the two cuties, Anna and Lenore, from Three Babes Bakeshop. It was interesting to see how she evaluated the scene, made a suggestion, but directed them very minimally. She moved onto shooting the table scene, interacting with the stylist Erin Hiemstra of Apartment 34, and making suggestions to get the best shot possible. It was fascinating to watch them troubleshoot and overcome a few obstacles. Their professionalism kept the situation calm when it could have potentially been stressful. I loved how the whole process stayed really mellow and everyone cooperated to move the shoot along. A few workshoppers even jumped in to help: Russell Silva of Ressull Salvi Photography helped move a barn door into place, and Kate Skogen of JetKat Photo held a chair so Noa could photograph the mouth-watering pies at the perfect angle.

We ate some lunch, another delicious meal from Square Meals, and moved back into the living room to watch Noa go over her workflow with images from the Rue shoot. It’s always informative to see how another photographer processes images. She explained how she works in Lightroom and Photoshop, showing us how she uses actions and also how to make them. We all chatted and exchanged some ideas. I think we were all quite worn out by then and were just enjoying relaxing on our chairs and couches while looking at Noa’s pretty images. She showed us a few more slideshows (eye candy!), and we wrapped things up with a few of us saying what we’d gotten from the workshop and how we were going to apply it to our work.  (There was also a video being filmed over the 2 days by Drew Dorsey and partner Rachel, super rad people with great taste in music. Caroline Lee of Woodnote Photography photographed the workshop as well. She’s really funny, I wouldn’t mind hanging out with her again someday.)

For me, I discovered that I still let fear hold me back at times. I also make excuses, which while real, are not helpful. I learned how to take those excuses and turn it around in order to think differently about them. I learned how to grow from detriments and how to use who I am to make my brand different from others.  My absolute favorite quote of the day is “If I have to do it anyway, why not do it with love?”  I think I learned to love myself more and love what comes into my life, good and bad, because it is life, and it is always teaching me something. I learned to give myself more freedom to explore, to experiment, to be playful. Ultimately, I learned that it’s okay to be a sensitive artist type, but I can’t ever let that keep me from working my ass off.

I scrawled this on last page of my notebook:

(It’s actually very unintelligible. I’ve tried to make it more readable by assuming that I know what I was trying to write. I think many of us were in a crazy exhausted state by then, running on pure instinct.)

“Noa is a catalyst

Makes us look at ourselves honestly

And call ourselves on our own bullshit.

Because that’s what she does.

Inspires by her own example,

And the works she creates.”

If you ever think about going to a Feather Love workshop, don’t think about it, just sign-up.

I love having a practical use for my old brownie box camera. It looks awesome on my desk and the best part is the built-in cord holder when I unplug my phone!

I want it to feel like you are there when you look at the photos, and I want my own joy for the couple to come through the lens.

Revisiting in B&W VSCOfilm, I think I love it more now.

my child fascinates me, pushes me to my complete limits, and then teaches me more patience. edited w